Suck it up, you're a tourist.
how to eat, shit and cross the road in Vietnam
Let’s cut to the chase. This is how you eat on streets of Vietnam:
legs spread (to avoid spillage)
bag in lap (for security)
hair tied back
crouching over a plastic stool
… and smiling of course - cause the food is just so good. See figure A.
Here’s the thing.
I’m definitely guilty of being the fanatic “go down the reddit/ tripadvisor/ lonely planet/ youtube” wormhole when holiday planning.
I think it comes from the pressure of maximising a handful of annual leave days and wanting to get an “non-touristy” experience that leaves me in a state of awe. Something that’ll go beyond the thousands of photos, instagram stories and make me feel that sense of escape.
But no matter how much I google and no matter how meticulously I’ve starred attractions, food and train routes on my maps app, I’m never going to be a local.
I may never find the hole in the wall bakery that sells buns made by the grandpa that’s lived in the neighbourhood for over half his life.1 I may have to settle for the cafe with “tourist prices” or take the same shot of the same mountains that every other person that’s woken up at 5am is going to save as their iPhone background for the next year. You’ll be able to spot me in the line of other sun-screened, hat-wearing, sensible shoe-donning tourists, wandering like ducks down the street to the next attraction.
So, suck it up.
You’re not going to be a local.
Don’t let that stop you from having a good trip.
Be respectful, by all means.
Accept it.
Have fun.
Don’t get scammed.
You’re on holiday.
Here’s some tips for Ho Chi Minh (Saigon), Hue and Hanoi.
Walk, don’t run.
Traffic in Ho Chi Minh is like water. Rapidly moving water. It’ll flow before you, right past you and suck you in it. Motorcyclists do not care.
Here’s a tip. Don’t change your walking speed once you’ve started crossing the road.
Fight the urge to leg it and run the moment you see a motorcycle hurtling towards you.
Cause changing your speed? It’ll make you unpredictable.
And easier to hit.
(use your common sense obviously).
Point and order
Want the best food? Sit down and point to whatever the lady in the floral shirt next to you is eating. Point to the sign and mime “number 1”.
And ask.
Ask the hotel staff, ask the shop keeper where they’re going for lunch, ask the aunty whose cooked you the best bánh cuốn you’ve had for breakfast where his favourite place to eat is.
Check for toilet paper
Some restrooms had rolls of toilet paper outside the cubicle, in the entrance next to the tap.
Make sure you check yourself before you wet yourself.
(or even better, bring your own small packet of tissues).
Cash is king
Plenty of established supermarkets and shopping (retail) centres accept credit card (Visa, MasterCard) together with popular international cards like WISE etc. But when you’re eating street food and wandering around the old quarter in Hanoi, cash is king.
A list of websites that were really helpful:
That’s it for this week.
Next week:3 A list of the best things I ate in Vietnam.
Gentrification makes that an increasingly rare experience anyway.
Except for Hue International Airport where we were asked to go meet our GRAB driver in the carpark…. because direct pick-ups weren’t allowed? Allegedly?
Potentially fortnight. Month. Every “how to use” substack post screams “consistency is key”, but no one ever talks about the mundane, time-sucking realities of life. Thanks for reading. You’ve made my Monday evening much brighter.
Great tips.